I haven't blogged for awhile. At some point I decided that writing daily was never going to get me to the writing career I longed for.
However, since I am recently unemployed (technically self-employed with a tiny paycheck), I thought maybe sharing my experiences in that category might be helpful to others.
I've always felt the most for those who have been laid off because there wasn't enough work, or there were budget cuts, or the position was eliminated. No one feels sorry for the person who was fired.
That's me. Fired, canned, terminated, given the pink slip. I had been joking for years that I looked forward to that day. It wasn't that great, after all. Although I don't believe I deserved it, no one wants to hear that. It doesn't matter that Indiana is an at-will employment state, and that my employer did just that- fired me without a good reason. I didn't complete a project because I was working overtime with what I had always been told were the primary responsibilities of my job. Insubordination. Terminated.
I can still see the look on the face of the person who delivered the news. Cold. Unfeeling. Even vengeful. Even though I had long known the company I worked for cared little for the well-being of their staff, it hurt to be treated like a piece of useless garbage.
I suspect that they needed a scapegoat- numbers were down and if it wasn't my fault it might be my supervisor's, or her boss- the one who gave the ax. Or maybe eliminating me allowed them to free up some labor hours. It sure seems strange they filled my position with a co-worker the same day.
I tell everyone I'm doing okay. I have some prospects. I sent resumes to a dozen companies already. I've talked with a few schools about additional certification. The truth is I'm just doing it to do something worthwhile.
I'm not okay. I can't explain it. It's not that I lost a piece of me- because I was not my job. I never defined myself by my work. It's not that I'm worried about money. I probably should be, but I know we have a little from our tax return, and I should get some unemployment. I just feel lost. My time has been so structured- I never had to think- just go from one activity to the next. And for some reason, now I can't keep track of one appointment a day.
Is it depression setting in? Maybe. I haven't showered since "the event." I'm wearing the same clothes now I wore yesterday. I have some little blue pills I usually take in the winter, but I probably should get them out. With my vitamins. And I realize now I haven't eaten anything except what my husband puts in front of me- and he's at work today.
I guess when it comes down to it, I'm torn. My life's goal is to make a living through my writing, and now, when I have all the time in the world, I still don't think I can do it. I'd rather make a go of it than go back to full-time work, but I'm so afraid of failure. And I know I can't do enough to start with to support my family.
If you're a praying person, and you're reading this, I'd appreciate your prayers. My only salvation is that I am dedicated to being totally reliant on God. I know He has a plan, even if I can't see the blueprint. I trust that He will provide the opportunities, if I will be responsible with my time and resources. Which probably means I should get my rear end out of bed. :)