There used to be a sign on a bulletin board at the YMCA that said, “Discipline is knowing what you really want.”  I used to glare at it every time I walked past, huffing and puffing and drenched with sweat.  I really wanted a nap!

As much as that saying reminds me how undisciplined I really am, it’s true.  If I want to lose weight, I will choose healthier foods and make exercise a priority.  If I want to enjoy an entire box of peanut butter stuffed Oreos, I will pour myself a glass of milk and get started.  The question is, what do I really want?

Every day I’m faced with decisions that reflect what I want at the time.  Do I want a clean clothes to wear to work tomorrow, or do I want to watch a biography of Guy Fieri on the Food Network?  Guy, by the way, is a very passionate, disciplined person. 

The perfectionist in me gets so frustrated with the inquisitive, hedonistic me.  I want to make my goals and go after them on one hand, and I want to enjoy the journey on the way.  I want so many things that I can’t be single-minded about any of them.

I know I am extremely blessed with what I already have, and maybe that makes me too complacent.  If I don’t work for what I want, I’m the only one who will know that there could be something better down the road.  On the other hand, shouldn’t I treat myself with the same respect as I would anyone else?

I don’t have any answers, although I’m trying to be more forgiving of myself when I don’t measure up to my own expectations, without giving up on my goals.  I’m going to make a living as a writer.  I’m not sure how I’m going to get there, but I’m going to keep at it until I get there.  Because that’s what I really want.


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