Saturday, April 4, 2009

What am I?

I have come to the conclusion that I am a human being.

It may seem strange to that after 30+ years I am finally figuring this out. But I am no ordinary human being.

I have lived under the presumption, inoculated in me at an early age, that I can do anything that I put my mind to. Which, over time, I’ve taken to mean that I can sleep less, eat less, exercise less, and communicate less than the average human being. I can take on school, work, family, and thirteen volunteer positions, without batting an eye. I am Super Mom!

I am also bleary-eyed, overweight, moody, stressed-out and overwhelmed. One might suggest the word, “balance.” Balance seems a lot like trying to walk a tightrope. I’m pretty sure I can’t do it, so why try?

Yet, I’m not sure I enjoy living like this. I have to drag myself out of bed, guzzle coffee out of necessity rather than enjoyment, bark at my children to get ready and at my husband to stay out of my way. I dread work (like most red-blooded Americans) but my ability to cope with stress or unexpected situations is completely shot. I get to where I don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t want to go out, don’t want to do anything except veg. All the people I am responsible to probably see me as a flake, because they don’t see the other sides of the dodecagon.

It’s time for change. Sleep is apparently a necessity, and not a luxury. Eating is intended to refuel and replenish the body, not to comfort me or fill my time. Exercise is actually very good for body and spirit, although neither has been strong enough to get me over to the gym in the last two weeks. I am practicing every night in front of the mirror: “No, I’m honored that you asked me, but I just can’t right now.”

So, I’m accepting the fact that I am human with human limitations and abilities. I’m realizing that this vessel I’m traveling in needs some tender loving care, or it’s going to make it even harder to get to where I want to go. In fact, it might even break down along the way. Time for some heavy duty maintenance!

Human, all this time. Who knew?

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