Weather Predictions

Everyone complains about the weather, but no one ever does anything about it. I have come up with some foolproof ways to control the weather.

The following are ways to make sure it rains:

  1. Leave your umbrella at home or in your car.
  2. Plan an outdoor event.
  3. Go to the beach.
  4. Park you car a half mile away from your destination.
  5. Prepare to grill outdoors.
  6. Tell your children you’re going to the park.
  7. Go to an amusement park.
  8. Schedule a baseball game.
  9. Wear a white shirt.
  10. Leave the windows open in your car.

The following are ways to make sure the sun shines:

  1. Get scheduled to work on a weekend.
  2. Plan an all-day meeting.
  3. Start spring cleaning.
  4. Carry your umbrella everywhere.
  5. Spend the day at the mall.
  6. Ground your child.
  7. Forget your sunscreen.
  8. Leave your restaurant leftovers in the car.
  9. Plan a trip to the movies.
  10. Get a migraine.

The following are ways to make sure it really storms:

  1. Plan a long car trip.
  2. Visit a mobile home.
  3. Plan an outdoor wedding.
  4. Stay in the top floor of a hotel.
  5. Plan a long hike.
  6. Plan a trip to the ocean.
  7. Plan a softball tournament.
  8. Go to a golf tournament.
  9. Plan a camping trip.
  10. Plan a skydiving trip.

Some of these techniques may not work if you live in places like southern California or Florida. They are best suited to inhabitants of the midwest, where if you don’t like the weather, you just wait a minute.

If you find that even in the midwest, none of these techniques ever work for you, please report back to Mt. Olympus and have mercy on us poor mortals. In the mean time, why don’t we plan a trip to the beach?

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